ENERGY PROFILE FOR SEPTEMBER

DISAGREEING CONSTRUCTIVELY


     

                          


No one likes to disagree.  In a perfect world, everyone would agree with us, right?  But if s/he agrees with you, then s/he could be disagreeing with me...oops!


Disagreeing is not bad.  It is a feared interaction by many and it is the FEAR that creates problems.  For instance, when we react in fear it pulls us into a protection mode or an attack mode. 


If we move into a protection mode, we do not hear, see or process information accurately. Why? Well, imagine someone placing their hands over their head in a protection stance. With their head lowered and their eyes closed, they are not actually seeing what is occurring. In this stance they are certain they know what is occurring but it is based on old information.  From this filtered and distorted information they validate old beliefs and make repetitive decisions, creating familiar emotions.

If we move into an attack mode, we are reacting and cannot listen to what the other person is saying. We are NOT positioned to resolve or understand the situation or individual.  Our sole intent is to keep the other person at a distance so we feel safe, secure and in control.


Both protection and attack mode take away our ability to choose our response. Without choosing our response, we are letting others and our past control us. It becomes an old ritual that prevents us from learning and growing, repeating and living the same situations over and over again. Unfortunately we use these situations to justify continuing our behavior.  Self-fulfilling belief and reality?  Yep!


It is normal and natural to disagree with others. We are all unique. What makes the process of disagreeing so uncomfortable is that most of us have experienced shame, rejection, right/wrong, humiliation, non-acceptance and other painful emotions/feelings when disagreeing with a parent, sibling, friends, teacher, partner or boss.  It is the painful memory of these experiences that we will do ANYTHING to avoid. 

But do we avoid these emotions/feelings by avoiding disagreement? If you stop and re-evaluate you might see that in the long run you don't. So now what? 

What if you could learn to disagree without filters, reactions, hiding, attacking or reacting in a way that prevents you from staying present and really seeing and hearing what is occurring? To do this there are two considerations.

The first consideration is taking a moment to consider what YOU need to not feel so vulnerable, anxious and fearful. For instance:

  • more self-acceptance of yourself and your feelings
  • less self-judgment
  • more understanding of your needs
  • good boundaries (not the same as walls)
  • not taking things so personally
  • differentiating between you and others
  • resolving fear of abandonment and rejection
  • knowing how to give yourself approval
  • learning how to give yourself assurance you are okay

The second consideration is learning how to state your feelings respectfully. Avoid using "you" statements by sharing with "I" statements.  For instance, 'I feel threatened when you raise your voice'.  By stating your feelings you are honoring your feelings and you avoid projecting the 'blame' energy.  No one responds well to the 'blame' energy as it immediately places them in a defensive stance.

Stating our feelings respectfully is an art and like any art it takes time to learn. The above schematic shows your subconscious mind some of the things that you can do to begin this process as well as turn inward to ponder what dynamics you may need to heal and resolve.

For questions or assistance with learning this process, contact me via e-mail:  asession4u@comcast.net or call me @  971-221-5845 to schedule an appointment.

Enjoy.